As I type, there is a 3 month old little boy snuggled against my chest. It's just me and him today, and I feel like I have been transported back to this time last year.
What a strange feeling to care for a newborn again. His grunts and jerky movements and gummy smiles release floods of memories that had been carefully tucked away. And I dare say just the presence of this sweet new baby whispers to my heart, maybe it would be nice to have another one.
I have to dismiss that thought almost as quickly as it enters my mind for fear of being overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt from thinking of bringing in a new, permanent, little being that would take love and attention away from Cohen. Irrational guilt that makes me feel that just because I'm thinking of another baby, I must not love the one I have completely. Guilt that cripples me when I think about the future and see Cohen not getting the quality and quantity of love and attention he's used to.
In regards to children, Cohen is my first love. And that love is stronger than any other love I've ever experienced. How could I ever feel that for anyone else? My heart just doesn't have the space for another love. And yet, I hear all the time testimonies from mothers of multiple children: their love doesn't fade with each additional child but instead grows. How could this be? How could I love another being as fiercely and unconditionally as I love my son?
How could I give of myself the way I do now, but multiplied? Cohen gets my time and attention, and he deserves it all and nothing less. Any other child we brought into our family deserves the same. How is it possible to give your 100% to more than one child? And if time and attention = love (especially in the mind of a child), how could I ever choose which child to go to in the event they both needed me at the same time?
I've always envisioned my future with multiple children. I don't want Cohen to grow up by himself. I don't want to be finished having babies .. not just yet. But this guilt that I feel simply by snuggling with with another baby while my own son is away from his mama ... it makes me question how ready I am to add another one into the mix anytime soon. Is that my heart telling me we're not quite there yet? Or will these feelings always be there, no matter how many years pass? I welcome anyone's input.