Toddlerhood and Love

So Cohen has entered a super fun stage of toddler-hood: arguing with everything I say. And I mean everything. I could say that his name is Cohen, and his response would be "Noooooo. My name is not Cohen, mommy!"

Sometimes it's cute in that oh he's saying it in such a playful voice kind of way. But trust me, it has a way of wearing on your very last nerve. I spend the entire day with the kid. I hear it a lot. A lot. Nooooooo, the sky is not up, Mommy! Nooooo, we're not going to the store, Mommy! Nooooooo, it's not raining, Mommy! Nooooo, that's not pasta, Mommy!

I'm developing one of those cool mom super powers that allows me to tune my kid out when he gets to be too much. It's kind of a blessing. But the daddy? His powers are a little slower to to develop, I guess. You know how when you know someone long enough and well enough that you know what they're thinking without them having to say anything? At dinner last night, while Cohen relentlessly argued with every. little. thing I or Daddy or the TV would say, I noticed my husband's neck: it was bright red. Frustrated red.

It's interesting how becoming a parent has taught me so much about who God is. As I daily learn and grow into the role of "mother," I become more aware of how much of a Father my Lord really is. And how much of a toddler I really am in my walk with the Lord.

How many times does He ask me to hold His hand, and yet I pull the other way?

How many times does He tell me one thing, and yet I argue with Him with a fiery passion?

How many times does He ask me to do something, and I throw myself down and burst into a fit of spiritual tantrums?

The answer, if you were wondering, is too many to count.

One of the things I really appreciate about Cohen is how he is growing into his own person -- becoming more independent and learning to think and do for himself. His strong will certainly does lead to very frustrating situations and many instances of disobedience, but when he chooses to respect what I say and show love towards me? It's so much sweeter. Because I know that he could choose to do what he wants, but he does what I want instead. In those moments, he is going against his self and showing love and obedience instead.

In my mind, that's the way the Lord feels toward me. He gave me a strong will, and that will mixed with my sinful nature make being disobedient and unruly very tempting and easy. But when I die to self? When I choose to do not what I want to do but what He calls me to do? I can only imagine what that does to His Father heart.

Because isn't that all He wants from me anyway: to love Him and show Him that love through my life? And through that love, everything else will fall into place. Tantrums will cease. Trust will grow. My hand will seek out His own. I mean, God gave us a lot of rules to follow, but I'm reminded that Jesus Himself highlighted the most important commandment of all: to simply love Him.

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. (Matthew 22:37-40)

The Most Heartwarming Story. Ever.

I don't think it's any surprise to anyone that I think my kid is the most adorable and coolest kid on the planet. If you ask me, I don't think you can get much better than him.

I think that's what makes this story so awesome.

Lately, I've been having major hot flashes and waves of feeling very light-headed. It happened this morning during Sunday School, and instead of suffering through an hour pretending I was fine, I decided to leave class and sit by the exit door of the church-- where it was much cooler.

It just so happens that I was sitting very close to Cohen's toddler Sunday School class, and I could overhear what was going on in that class. So I eavesdropped. Don't try to tell me you're not curious about what a 2 year old Sunday School class sounds like. I know I'm not the only one.

And what I heard come from that room? Made me so proud to be a part of my church and have my son in that class. His teachers were telling the children a Bible story. In between interjections of, "Cohen, come sit down." And "Ok, Cohen, come join us," (why was my kid the only one running around? lol) they shared the story of the lame man whose friends lowered him through the ceiling so he could be healed by Jesus.

Fast forward a few hours. We were all in the car, and I decided to quiz Cohen on some things I have never talked with him about, but I knew he was hearing in church.

Cohen, what is the Bible?
It's God's word, Mommy!!!

Cohen, who is Jesus?
Jesus is God's Son. He was a baby. He pooped. Everybody poops!

Where does Jesus live?
He lives right here, Mommy ! (Pointed to his heart).

Did you hear a story about a sick man today, Cohen?
Ummmmmm... Yea! He was sad. Jabber jabber jabber friends jabber jabber Jesus. He's happy now!

And that, my friends, is what came out of my 2 year old's mouth. I am so humbled and blessed tonight.

Thanks to all the preschool teachers who take their jobs seriously. I know it probably seems like those kids are just running around, and you're wasting your time trying to teach them. But today? It stuck. And I couldn't be more happy.

Trust

At this very moment, our internet's home page is set to Pinterest.com. The surprising thing is that I am not the person responsible for this change from our ever-faithful MSN homepage to Pinterest. And the reason? Not because Travis or I (or Cohen, for that matter) are terribly interested in adding a little more craft to our lives (although I do love a good PinterFest). No, we abandoned MSN early last week when Travis became downright enraged that our homepage delivered up-to-the minute coverage of the Olympic games ... in real time... and thus effectively ruining all surprise later in the evening when we actually got to watch the events.

Because, according to Travis, if you already know what's going to happen, why bother watching it?

I think it was around the time of the Men's Team gymnastic competition, as I sank into the couch with my third spoonful of cookie dough, that I began to realize that I don't handle the stress of the Olympic games all too well. As I watched each athlete prepare to jump, flip, and propel their way to the medal podium, I anxiously wondered if they would do well or, you know, screw it up ... for themselves, for their teammates, for AMERICA (!!!), and I could just feel the ulcer begin to form in my stomach. I just couldn't handle the stress.

The next afternoon, while Travis was safely at work, I crept onto the MSN homepage and scoured the site until I read that the American women would win gold later on that evening. Was I ashamed to be such a wuss? Oh you bet, but come time for those girls to vault, balance, dance, and swing, I was the picture of cool, calm and collected.

Because I knew there was nothing to worry about.

Every day since then, I have checked the reports way ahead of time in order to learn what happens and have time to be OK with it (because apparently I'm a bit too into the Olympics). So when the commentators wondered if Phelps would win that final gold to make him the most decorated Olympian ever? Oh you might have stressed about it, but I was cool. When poor John Orozco failed to do anything right (it seemed -- I actually was super proud of him and wanted to do nothing more than wrap him up in a big mama-hug and tell him how awesome he is) in the men's all around? I had already dealt with that loss.

Travis calls it cheating, but I'm just fine with being a spectator cheat. It has been such medicine for my anxiety to know ahead of time what is going to happen. To process it. And later, to expect it.

How seamlessly that little tidbit of my Olympic viewing habits translates to the way I live my life. As I live out my days, I frequently find myself wishing I could just know what's going to happen. Sometimes I catch myself as I pray asking God to just give me a glimpse of how all this is going to turn out. I feel like, if I knew what the outcome is, I could handle the journey just a little more gracefully. If I knew how things would pan out in the end, I might be a little more patient with the present.

But God? That's not the way He works. It never has been.

It's all about control. I want it; He wants to strip me of it and have me rely solely on Him. He is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path (Psalm 119:105), providing me with just enough light to take my next step. When I find myself alone in the dark, with just the next step illuminated, and I go that way instead of going the way I want, I begin to trust the Lord. How do I know I'm not walking toward a venomous snake or a giant hole? I don't; I must trust that if that is the place where God leads, He will protect me when danger arises.

How many times have I called out, "Just turn the lights on for 5 seconds so I can get my bearings!" and in turn have shown my distrust of the Lord? Because, if I'm honest, it's hard to put my trust in God. My human nature doesn't allow for it. Instead, I would much rather go about my own way, trusting in myself. I think that''s why it is so important and why He continuously tells us to trust in Him -- because it goes against our nature.

How nice would it be to see into the future and know all the steps before I take them? I imagine it might be quite pleasant, until I see that the path leads somewhere I don't want to go. Then I could safely say I'd change that path. Because sometimes God leads us through unpleasant times. Does that mean He is less good or less God because I go through difficulty? No, it means He knew the life I would live before I was even alive, and every step, every tear, every disappointment is designed to teach me and grow me into the person He has designed me to be.

And is there any better person to be than the one the Lord designed you to be?

So I'll probably continue to be an Olympic cheat and find out the results prior to seeing the events, but that's about as far as I want to take this need for control.

2 Samuel 22:31 “As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him.”

Psalm 118:8 “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

Stop And Listen

This morning, I was busy.  It was one of those days where routine and time constraints and errands got the best of me, and I stopped listening. I stopped seeing what was going on around me because I was so wrapped up in myself and my plans. Do you ever find yourself in that place? I'm sorry to admit that I'm there a lot.

I had a plan for the day before I even got out of bed: today was grocery day. There were a couple stores I needed to visit, and a bunch of coupons I needed to find and clip out in order to find the best deal on the stuff I needed. And I had to get everything done and be back home in time for Cohen's afternoon nap. So after Cohen and I finished up breakfast, I let him play in the living room while I showered, got dressed, and settled down at the computer desk to gather my coupons.

I guess it was while I was sitting at the desk that I became aware of Cohen's whining. It was pretty incessant, and after a while he began to combine it with the equally frustrating climbing in my lap and pulling my arm. Didn't he know that we had a lot to do this morning, and I couldn't be bothered right now? So I tried to remedy the situation by doing one of those "mom things" that I look back on after the fact and shudder at: I tried to distract him. I gave him books, I asked him to bring me his animals, I tried to get him to sing a song. All the while, I never took my attention off my own task, and he never stopped whining.

After a while (and admittedly, after I had finished clipping my coupons), I focused my attention on Cohen and asked him what was wrong. Close to 15 minutes after I became aware that something was up, I finally decided to ask him about it. Someone pass me the Mom of the Year award. He  kept saying, "Car. Car." We were standing next to a pile of matchbox cars that he had emptied out of a box while I was busy ignoring him earlier, so I pointed to the mess and said, "Look, there are your cars." And then I walked away, congratulating myself for solving my child's problems.

The whining didn't stop.

Fast forward a few hours. We finished our grocery shopping and had eaten a nice lunch. Cohen and I returned home with full bellies, and I was very much anticipating nap time. I let him play in the living room while I unpacked the groceries, but after only a few minutes, he appeared at the baby gate in the kitchen doorway, whining. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "Car. Car."

"Yes baby. Your cars are in there. Go play while I put these groceries up."

And then, something sort of snapped in my brain, and I said to myself, Something is wrong. Something is bothering Cohen. I need to stop what I am doing and focus my attention on him and fix the problem. So I put the package of juice boxes down and went into the living room and squatted down so I was eye level with Cohen. I asked him again what was wrong. Again, he said "Car. Car." We've already been through this. Go at it another way. I asked him to show me what was wrong, and off Cohen went, pointer finger leading the way. We stopped at the dog crate, and inside the crate was a single red toy truck that had fallen through the wire bars.

It was one of those forehead, meet palm moments as I finally understood what was so wrong all morning. Such an easily fixable problem if I had just taken a second to actually listen to my child. I opened the dog crate, pulled out the truck, and Cohen grabbed it and scurried away.

And at that moment, I knew God was speaking. How many times does He try to talk to me, try to get my attention, and I brush Him off because I'm so focused on myself? I'm afraid to even answer that question because I know it's a lot.

God doesn't speak to us through a loud, thunderous voice. He doesn't descend from a cloud or get right up in our faces or even announce Himself before He speaks. He doesn't say, "Erica, this is God talking." Lightening never strikes. The room doesn't grow hazy, and nothing illuminates. Although, sometimes I think that would be much easier. Instead, He whispers to my heart. Elijah called it a still, small voice, and sometimes it's just random thoughts that pop up in my head. And if I'm not in tune with God, if I'm not focusing on Him as I go about my day, if I'm too wrapped up in myself, I fail to recogonize Him. I dismiss His voice, and I go about my day. And I miss out on precious communion with the Lord.

How much He loves me to want to talk to me! What a gracious God He is to teach me lessons like the one He taught me today. To remind me to stop and listen. And how thankful I am that He could teach me so gently and through such an ordinary situation. 

Thank You, Lord, for Your goodness to me.

The video below is a clip from Dr. Charles Stanley that acted as a double-punch with the Lord's lesson today. If you have 5 minutes, I encourage you to watch it. If nothing else, I find it great parenting tool to use with my own child.

Pinch Myself

Sometimes, right in the middle of life, I have to take a minute to remind myself that this is really happening.

That happy and sweet kid really is mine. I really am playing with him on Tuesday (and every other day) afternoon instead of sitting at work thinking about him. I really do have a great support system of friends who I can talk about anything with. Who I can trust. Who love my kid. 

In the last couple of years, those have been specific things I've prayed for. I prayed for them at times I felt at my lowest, when it didn't seem like those things would be possible for me. But God heard; He always does. And He blessed me at just the right time and in just the right way.

And I have to smile as I sit here typing because I am thinking of another prayer request I have sent up frequently over the past few months. See, again, there's something that feels impossible right now, and that kind of breaks my heart. But just writing today reminds me that God hears me. He knows what I long for, and He knows what I need. 

And He's never let me down.

___________________

Cohen and I spent our Wednesday afternoon playing in some fountains with our friends. We had so much fun, and I was surprised to find myself smack in the middle of those fountains with the babies. I love how being with those babies brings out the kid in me, too.

He Arose!

Low in the grave He lay, Jesus my Savior,
Waiting the coming day, Jesus my Lord!

Vainly they watch His bed, Jesus my Savior;
Vainly they seal the dead, Jesus my Lord!

Death cannot keep its Prey, Jesus my Savior;
He tore the bars away, Jesus my Lord!

Up from the grave He arose,
With a mighty triumph o’er His foes,
He arose a Victor from the dark domain,
And He lives forever, with His saints to reign.
He arose! He arose!
Hallelujah! Christ arose!

Happy Easter!

He Washed My Eyes With Tears

Today, I thank God for His wisdom that far surpasses my own. Today I am able to look at pains and troubles and see how they are being used to change me and grow me and make me a better person.

 

He washed my eyes with tears that I might see

the broken heart I had was good for me;

He tore it all apart and looked inside,

He found it full of fear and foolish pride.

He swept away the things that made me blind,

and then I saw the clouds were silver-lined.

And now I understand ‘twas best for me,

He washed my eyes with tears that I might see.

 

He washed my eyes with tears that I might see

the glory of Himself  revealed to me;

I did not know that He had wounded hands,

I saw the blood He spilt upon the sands.

I saw the marks of shame, and wept and cried,

He was my substitute, for me He died.

 

And now I’m glad He came so tenderly,

and washed my eyes with tears that I might see.

 

By Ira Stanphill

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Head on over to this blog to enter to win a $100 credit for an awesome diaper bag.

The Birdcage

I'm so glad Jesus thought I was worth it ...

The Joy Thief

via

Sometimes, when things don't go the way I think they should, I step out of faith and into a place of self-sufficiency. I take the power away from God, where it belongs, and wrestle with it on my own.

It never works out for me. I end up defeated, exhausted, and humbled, giving the control back to God, back to the only One who has the wisdom and love and understanding to manage my life.

You'd think I'd know by now. Scratch that, you'd think I'd understand by know. Because I do know. The moment I begin to dwell on how it should be, I know I'm stepping in quicksand. But I do it anyway: I doubt, I whine, I compare myself to others and to the world. And I begin to sink.

When I look back on my life, and especially on those times when things weren't going my way and I had to trust that the Lord was working, I never think, "I could have planned that out better." Why, then, is it so difficult to employ that same mindset on current struggles? Why is it so hard to trust the One who knows the way through the wilderness? Why do I insist on fumbling my own way through?

Real faith in God requires me to trust His hand 100% of the time, not just when He is doing things they way I would. Real faith in God requires me to understand that God is good even when I don't get what I want. To accept that sometimes I will feel pain, sometimes I will cry, sometimes my heart will hurt and things will look pretty dismal. It's during that time when I need to pry my eyes off the world and focus squarely on my Lord.

He is my Joy. And He can never be lessened.

Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, gladden yourselves in Him]; again I say, Rejoice!
Let all men know and perceive and recognize your unselfishness (your considerateness, your forbearing spirit). The Lord is near [He is coming soon].
Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.
And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].

Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you.

Philippians 4: 4-9

I Heart Jesus video and I Heart Faces edit

Have you seen this? Amy shared it on her blog the other day, and I can't get it out of my mind.

_________________________________________________________________________________

On another note, I'm participating in another photo editing challenge. This time it's with I Heart Faces. And let me tell you, I'm a scared little schoolgirl right about now. These people are real-deal amazing photographers.

Anyway, here's the photo SOOC (straight out of camera):

Adorable, huh? I think the photographer did an amazing job. I am loving the background.

Here's my edit:

And here's how I did it:

I rotated the photo to the left slightly, then cropped to get more of a focus on the baby. Then I opened the picture in Picnik (because Photoshop still scares me) and increased the exposure by 50%. I used the poloroid action, faded 60%, and then I boosted the colors of the image a little. And voila.

Comparision:

Whatcha think?



Dear Anonymous

Last week, a favorite blogger gave her readers the opportunity to anonymously share their truest hopes for 2012. It was such a powerful exercise for me to be able to publish my thoughts and hopes to the world without having to attach my name. Without having to worry if someone would judge me.

And while I was being honest, you know what? So was everyone else.

I just read through the resolutions, and the one thing I noticed over everything else was how similar they all were. How, even though we feel like we're all alone, there are other women out there who deal with the same stuff.


I want to fall in love with my husband again.
I want to conquer my envy.

I want to be confident in my own skin and to be the best me. I want to see my real purpose in life, beyond dishes and cleaning, again. I want to quit trying to control people around me. I want to stop all my jealousy. I want to love with my whole heart, expecting nothing in return.


I want to get closer to God and be a person of integrity and worthy of trust.


I want to quit talking bad about my friends behind their backs because I have some crazy idea that it makes me more interesting to my other friends. Drama is overrated.


I want to have more patience with my husband and children. I want to cut ties with the people who bring me down and lead me on. I want to get butterflies when my husband kisses me again. I want to learn how to sew and make cute things for my littles.


I want to have hope that my marriage will hold together, despite my husband's constant absence (due to military). I feel so very hopeless and that I don't even know him, because he's deployed 4 times. I'm so tired of not being together. I want to have HOPE.


I want to feel like being a mom is enough. I don't have to have Etsy shops or meals on the stove or DIY projects going constantly enough. Screw DIY projects! I'm raising a human being! That is enough.


I want my family to get through this ridiculously tough time we're going through. I want my father to be able to say no to things that are ruining us as a family. I want my little brother to understand, I want him to stop hurting so much over something that isn't his fault and has nothing to do with him. I just want us to go back to loving the way we used to, without the distrust and the anger. And dangit I want UNO night back.


I want to find balance. This will be the year that I accept that I need counseling and to deal with depression head-on. I want to find love, or at least be confident that what I have is love. I want to be brave in admitting that even if things aren't perfect, I don't have to lie about anything.


I guess my hope for 2012 is that my path becomes clear. I've never been more confused in my life...


I want to learn to love myself again. To not be bitter towards myself and my broken body and women who are blessed. I want to love my pregnant sister in law and not hate her. To not think of myself {and 5+ yrs of infertility} as less than other women. To embrace our family as two, and truely, honestly be ok with it, except that I am enough for my husband.

I want to come to peace with the abortion I had almost a decade ago. I want to stop feeling like I will never have children because of it.

I want to move past the heartbreak of a canceled wedding...that I didn't choose to cancel.


After 20 years I want to be able to forgive my mother.

I want to find the joy in living again. I want to believe that, despite how much I still loved him after 6 years together, that there is someone else out there for me, someone better. I want to believe that he left because we were going in separate directions, and not because I was no longer pretty enough, exciting enough, or as physically attractive as I was when we met in college.

And so I began to pray. I pray for each of the 400+ women who shared their heart. I pray for their hurts and their fears and their struggles.

But most importantly, I pray that they allow their hearts to be open enough to hear God minister to them. Because He will. In our darkest moments, when we feel most hopeless, He will minister if only we let Him.

Dear anonymous, He hears you. You are not alone.

Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.-- Jesus (Matthew11:28)

On Clearing the Clutter

This first few days of the New Year has been all about cleaning house over here.

Don't let me fool you, there was very little actual cleaning of the house going on. I'm talking more of a metaphorical cleaning. Because, y'all, I just don't like to clean.

I mean, I like clean things. I like when things are clean. But I don't like to mess with dirty things. I get weird about touching things I don't think are clean.

My life has a tendency to accumulate dust and clutter. I'm not very good about clearing out the stuff that takes up unnecessary room in my heart. You know the stuff I'm talking about -- that stuff that isn't necessarily bad in itself, but it just doesn't produce anything good in my mind and heart. I've had a good amount of that stuff floating around lately.

And as I rang in the New Year a few days ago, I spent time praying over 2012 and seeking God's guidance for how to make this year more productive and more honorable to Him. His answer came quickly, like before I even finished my sentence. And if you're not in the practice of talking to God, you're thinking I'm a total nut-job right now. But God does, indeed, speak. To my heart. And when you hear Him, you know it's Him.

Let go of the past.

Learn and move on. Dwell no longer. Clear your life of its clutter and make more room for Jesus.

I'm not going to get into the specifics of what that means for me, but you get the idea. And you know, sometimes it's hard to move on. It's hard to leave behind the people and memories and places and activities that have at one time played a very important role in your life.

But in order for growth to occur, change has to be made. In order to be more for God, I have to be less for myself.

And then, just as I began to question if this is what God really wants me to do (because I don't know about you, but I'm quite skilled in second guessing: myself, others, and God), a friend went and shared this with me:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. Isaiah 43:18

Ok, Lord. I hear You. Message received.

This year, the goal for my life is simple: Do more, be more, give more to honor the Lord.

Another blogger is praying for just one. One person this year who will come to belief in God simply by seeing His grace alive in her life. I like that. But I'm not limiting God to just one. Lord, I would be humbled and blessed and honored if You would use my life to reach as many people as You desire. That's a lot of pressure, but I'm up for it.

I'll leave you with a verse: Micah 6:8. You probably know it.

NKJV: He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justly,  to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?

NASB: He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

I'm not typically one who pays much attention to newer translations, but I do like the way it's worded in The Message-- 

The Message: But He's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously.

How are you going to live 2012? Do you have any goals or a specific direction you'd like to go? I'd love to hear about it.

Standing on His promises

Standing on the promises of Christ my King,
Through eternal ages let His praises ring,
Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing,
Standing on the promises of God.

He walks with me, and He will not leave nor forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

He goes with me. He will strengthen me. He will help me. He will uphold me. (Isaiah 41:10)
He will give rest when I'm weary. (Matthew 11:28)

Standing, standing,
Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
Standing, standing,
I’m standing on the promises of God.

He will supply all my needs from His glorious riches. (Phillipians 4:19)
He gives me peace the world cannot provide. (John 14:27)
He is an ever present help in times of trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

Standing on the promises that cannot fail,
When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,
By the living Word of God I shall prevail,
Standing on the promises of God.

He will never stop loving me. (Isaiah 54:10)
He will show me where to go. (Psalm 32:8)
He will sustain me. (Isaiah 46:4)

Standing on the promises I now can see
Perfect, present cleansing in the blood for me;
Standing in the liberty where Christ makes free,
Standing on the promises of God.

He hears me when I call, and He will answer. (Isaiah 65:24)
He watches over me. (Psalm 121:7)
He will teach me His ways. (Isaiah 2:3)

Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord,
Bound to Him eternally by love’s strong cord,
Overcoming daily with the Spirit’s sword,
Standing on the promises of God.

He never changes. (Malachi 3:6)

Standing on the promises I cannot fall,
Listening every moment to the Spirit’s call
Resting in my Savior as my all in all,
Standing on the promises of God.

Making It Throught the Storm

I just need to brag on my God today. Because, y'all, He is awesome. He knows exactly what I need and provides at just the perfect time. It's during times like this when I kick myself for doubting or wanting to taking control -- when I feel pretty foolish for going about things my own way.

My pastor frequently says that you are always in one of three places in your life: you're either going into a storm, in a storm, or coming out of a storm. When I look back on my life, I can certainly see that cycle. Those storms aren't fun, but praise God He always leads me out!

I don't want to presume that I know all about God's plan (usually when I think that I do, He throws me a curve ball), but I really feel like a storm is passing. I can see the beginnings of blue skies and rainbows and all that other cliche stuff. Wait, is that a bird chirping?

My storm began brewing around this time last year -- with the birth of my son. I have loved that boy from the beginning, but his arrival also brought some challenges I wasn't prepared for. Like my inability to leave him when it was time to return to work. Personal relationships were also strained -- to the point where they would eventually break.

The first part of this year was difficult. Financially, we were doing very well, but I was an emotional wreck. Life was crumbling all around me, and I didn't care to do anything about it. After a few months, when things weren't getting any better, my husband and I made the decision that I would take a year's leave of absence from the school where I taught so that I could stay home with Cohen.

I will always be forever grateful that my husband entertained and later accepted that idea. It has taken a lot (more than I even know) of sacrifice on his part for me to stay home with my son, but it was the first step in healing for me. Through the summer, I began to feel positive again. I was spending more time with the Lord, and He revealed truths to me that I needed to hear. He gave me new friendships that I desperately needed -- at the perfect time when I was ready to allow people in my life again. He deepened relationships I had with Godly people -- people who prayed for me and genuinely cared for me.

There's one family in particular who I have grown to love over this last year. It is not uncommon for them to pray for something in my life before I even ask them to pray. They are Godly people -- the kind of people I want to be. They listen and are obedient when God moves them. They have blessed our family many times over the last few months. I thank God every day for them and for showing me the kind of person I want to be.

And now, as we begin to close out the year, I'm feeling the rain subside. The sun is peeking through the clouds, and I welcome its warmth. There were so many times this year when I would have done anything to be where I am today, but I am so thankful it has taken this long to get here.

Because without the storm, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the sun.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Linking up with Call Me Blessed for We Encourage Tuesday.

All I Have To Do Is Follow.

The summer before 10th grade, my world changed. My mom remarried, and my life was uprooted. We moved into another house in a new school district. I lost all my friends. I lost the life I had. I was angry. I'm pretty sure there was kicking and screaming involved.

And then God moved.

The day I enrolled in my new school, I met the mom of my soon-to-be new best friend. They introduced me to their church, which quickly became my second home. There, I grew in my relationship with the Lord. There, He began to form me into the person I was to be.

Because of that, I chose to go to a college I never would have picked in my old life. Because of my experiences at that school, I found myself taking a summer job at a summer camp. Because I worked at summer camp, I met my husband.

And I owe it all to the summer before 10th grade, when my world was crashing down around me.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD (Isaiah 55:8).

Tonight, I find it appropriate to simply praise God. For His thoughts. For His ways. That He is infinitely wiser than I could ever be. That He knows the plans He has for me, and those plans are for prosperity, not harm.

Tonight, confession is also appropriate. I need to confess my refusal to trust. I need to confess my desire to take control of every situation. I need to confess that many times I think I know better than God.

Tonight, I want to shout to the world what the Lord has done for me. How He has cared for me. How He has carried me through the valleys. That He knows the way through the wilderness.

Because, just as I felt like my world was crashing around me back in 10th grade, I've felt the same way this year. And just as I whined and moaned and complained that life was so unfair back then, I've felt sorry for myself this year. I couldn't see, and I still can't, really. But I don't have to -- that's the beauty of having the Lord for your guide.

And in the same way that I can look back and see how many blessings stem from the heartache of the Summer of 1999, I know I will look back to today and say, "Look what blessings came from that."

Happy With What I've Got.

We don't have a lot, but we've got enough.

If you've ever wondered what goes through my head most days, there you go. It's not a lot, but it's enough. It's the perfect portion for us.

Since I began staying at home with the boy, I have become very aware of our resources. Maybe that's because I am no longer physically contributing to bringing those resources in, so I am conscious of what I use. Maybe because I see my husband work so hard to support our family, I don't want to waste what he supplies. Or maybe because now that I'm no longer in a place of contributing, I can see the hand of God carrying us through.

And how, when I recognize the Lord's provision, can I be unsatisfied? How can I complain about anything we lack? Because, very honestly, we lack no good thing. Our house is heated. My family is clothed. We eat 3 meals a day. We have a ministry. We are surrounded by people who love us. We are blessed, indeed.
But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. 1 Timothy 6:6-10

How easy it is to become envious! How silly to look with covetous eyes on things that I really don't want anyway, if I'm honest with myself. Paul spoke of the love of money, but I feel like, for me, the love of anything I don't have leads to evil. Money, stuff, status, position in a community or among friends. It is all just worthless stuff, but it has such power to quickly overtake me!

And he said to them, “Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.” Luke 12:15

It's in those times, I remind myself once again, "It's enough." What right do I have to hold out my hand to receive provision from the Lord while my eye wanders?

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. 1 Corinthians 7:17

Thank you, Lord, for the life you have assigned to me. Help me to love it daily. To focus on you and and live in such a way that You are glorified. When my eyes begin to wander, let me recogonize it quickly that I may correct my path. Thank you for both what You've given to me and, probably more importantly, what You've kept from me. Help me to live in a constant state of awareness that what I have is my perfect portion, and it is enough.

Linking up with Call Me Blessed for We Encourage.

The Lord is the One who holds his hand

Just a reminder, the My Memories giveway is still open. It will close at midnight on Wednesday. It's easy to enter, and there's a good chance you could win the $40 photo software.

Also, go check out Megan's giveaway. Julie the Fish Designs makes some of the cutest jewlery, and one person will win a piece!

One of my favorite things to do lately is take walks with my son. With his unsteady baby legs, we don't trek long distances, but I don't care about that. What I like about our walks is the wonder I see in my son's eyes. He is fascinated by the world around him.

A few weeks ago, I watched my husband take the baby for a walk. My husband, bless his heart, is not a patient man. He sets his eyes on what he wants, and he makes it a goal to get there as quickly as possible.

You can imagine the battle of wills my boys encountered on their walk. The daddy was focused on the end -- the easiest and quickest way to get there. The boy was focused on the moment, investigating and exploring, touching and tasting.

When frustration began to creep in on daddy, he took the boy by the hand in an effort to speed things along. The boy, who is stubborn and iron-willed, tried with all his might to continue in his path, even though he was being pulled in an opposite direction.

I am so guilty of pulling on my Father's hand, struggling against His direction. Like my son, I find myself so caught up in the moment that I fail to see the path before me. I lose sight of where it is I'm supposed to get to because there are just so many distractions right at my fingertips. 

I question myself: why is it so difficult for me to walk? to be led by my Father's hand? to ignore the glittering distractions that call out to me from every side? Don't I trust the Hand that leads? Don't I have faith that walking the path set before me will bring me closer to my God?

Following the Lord is the ultimate act of trust. It requires me to follow a quiet voice through uncharted land. To quiet my own screaming will. To move even though I can't see the step in front of me.

It requires me to lay my life in my Father's hands.

Months ago, as I begged the Lord for something dear to me, His answer was Psalm 37: 3- 5:

Trust in the LORD and do good;

         Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD;

         And He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD,

Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

I have clung to this verse for many months. I recite it as I breath. I store it in my heart.

In those days, I focused on the word dwell. To live in one place; to stay stationary. I felt the Lord tell me the time was not right to go forward. I needed to stay where I was and do what it was he was calling me to do. It was a battle to learn how to dwell.

But now, now I am comfortable in my dwelling, and I feel the Lord telling me it's time to move. The one thing I begged for for so many months now terrifies me. How do I know where to go? Am I really ready to leave this place? How do I really know if I'm following his direction? 

Now I have a new answer, just a few verses down: Psalm 37: 23-24:

The steps of a man are established by the LORD
And He delights in his way.

When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
         Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.

So that's where I am right now -- getting ready to move after so many months of dwelling. Scared of moving in the wrong direction. Clinging to the promise that the Lord is the One who holds my hand.

Why do you love Me?

Cohen and I spent Monday with my family, getting spoiled and loved on.

I love that the two of us can walk into a room, only to have Cohen scooped up into one set of doting arms after another, kisses planted on every inch of his chubby little face, and all sorts of unintelligible sounds squealed out to him.

This will inevitably happen for a good 10 minutes before anyone realizes that I'm in the room, too. I love it.

I love that my baby is loved so very much.

As I sat back and watched the adoration take place yesterday, I felt God softly tug on my heart.

You see, Cohen was immediately loved the moment he came into the world. He didn't have to do a thing to earn the love; he didn't have to prove himself worthy. Those who love him do so simply because he is Cohen. I'm sure if they were asked, even they wouldn't be able to verbalize why they love him. They just do.

And if we're all honest, that's the kind of love we are all seeking. Love not based on what you've done, but on who you are.

That's why so many relationships with people are so unfulfilling to me -- I am growing to despise those  relationships where I feel like I have to live up to certain expectations in order to be accepted.

But my relationship with the Lord -- that's a whole other ball game. He loves me in spite of what I do. He loves me in a way that I will probably never be able to understand, but I appreciate it so much.

As I thought about these things yesterday, I felt the Lord ask me, "Why do you love Me?" Is it because of everything He's done for me? All the prayers He's answered? The works I've witnessed Him perform? I sure hope not.

Because that makes my love conditional.

I want to love the Lord because of who He is -- because of nothing He's done for me. I want to love Him even during those times when I don't see His hand at all -- in those silent times when so many lose their faith. I want to love with my heart and not my eyes.

The more I grow in my faith, the stronger this love grows. I'm not going to lie -- there are times even now when my love is based on circumstances. I'm afraid this will be a lifetime process.

This morning, as I was reading a few favorite blogs, I couldn't help but stop in my tracks at what Amy shared. She's reading through Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself, and look at her recent study (the rest of this post comes directly from Amy's blog):

Do you ever tire of riding the roller coaster of faith? of being up one day and down the next? or believing Him one minute and not the next?  We can exercise our faith in God in one of two ways.  One leaves us at the mercy of life's constant ups and downs.  The other is the key to steadfast faith - the way off the roller coaster to begin walking with God and practicing a faith that can't be "greatly moved" (Ps 62:2). 

FAITH BASED ON WHAT GOD DOES:

The person with this kind of faith lives by the unspoken motto: I believe God as long as He does what I ask. Her faith is built on how often and how well God answers prayers.  Such "faith" depends on results and is fueled by sight.  (Inserted by [Amy]: Ouch. Been guilty of this one.)

Faith in what God does is your ticket to ride a roller coaster that ascends the hill during times when God's activity is obvious and then barrels down the hill the moment God seems inactive.  The process never stops. 

The problem with this is defined in Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts and your ways are not my ways.  Beth Moore continues:

If your faith is based on what God is doing, you are in for the scariest ride of your life.  We will rarely be able to perceive God's actions, though they will always be wonderful and good.  They are beyond our earthly understanding.  In the times when He seems inactive, He may be accomplishing more than ever! You see, a "what God does" faith is not really faith at all.  Although it is focused on God, it is still born in the realm of the obvious, or that which is seen.  The faith of the faithless says, "If God is not obvious, He is obviously not God." 

FAITH BASED ON WHO GOD IS:

Genuine faith walks steadfastly with God for the pleasure of His company not for His results.  (Um, wow.)

Why is faith based on who God is a faith not greatly moved? Because it focuses on a God not greatly moved! It increases our understanding of His ways.  Prioritizing who He is will more accurately help us interpret what He does... 

...You see, what God appears to be doing changes constantly from our perspective.  He may heal one person while He calls another home.  He may be glorified in the poverty of one and the riches of another.  He will likely exalt you one year and humble you the next.  Our entire lives are lent to change.  But who He is will never change.  As He reveals Himself to you, His heart remains the same.  In the midst of society where the only thing you can count on is that you can't count on anything, God is your guarantee.  His faithfulness flows from who He is.  To please Him, our faithfulness must do the same.

I cannot begin to recall the times I have survived based on my limited understanding of who God is.  At times when I could not understand what He was doing, why He permitted some of my experiences, or why He had allowed my friend's child to die of cancer, I continued forward with these words: "God I can't understand why you are doing this.  But I know that, unlike me, Your actions cannot be inconsistent with Your heart, and I know that Your heart is loving, good and faithful. Somehow, some way, somewhere all these things are for good.  If I could just know you better through this, that is all the good I need." 

Linking up with Call Me Blessed for We Encourage Tuesday.

Blessings

Lately, I have felt blessed.

My heart is joyous, my smile is wide, and my mind is at peace.

I don't know why I'm sharing this today. I just feel like I need to. If you are struggling today, if you are overwhelmed or burdened, I encourage you to dwell and cultivate, follow and trust. God is good and provides for all our needs.

 Who is the man who desires life, And loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil, And your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their cry.

 Psalms 34:12-15

My eyes are fixed on the Lord today.

I have noticed the change for a few weeks now. A peacefulness and a lightness that are not natural characteristics of mine. An appreciation that the things that happen around me aren't of much significance in the grand scheme of things.

The more I allow myself to let go of the stuff that consumes me, the closer I feel God stepping in and the easier it is to see the works of His hand. It is so obvious today that He is taking care of me.

Here are just a few of the ways the Lord is blessing me recently:

1. I was given a giant pack of diapers. And by giant, I mean a box of 228. On the day I realized I had $57 to get us through the next 2 weeks and only 2 diapers left in the diaper stacker. Now that I don't have to worry about diapers, I have enough money in my budget to take care of groceries.

God is good and provides for all of my needs.

2. I have been praying for something very specific since school let out in May. This weekend, I saw the beginnings of God's answer unfold before me. And the coolest part about the whole situation is I didn't do a thing. I just waited and prayed, and he sent people to me.

God is good and provides for all of my needs.

3. This weekend, I began to pray for something else by name. I'm seeing that unfold before me already.

God is good and provides for all my needs.

  

In July, I stumbled upon Psalm 37 during a time when I was begging God for something important to me. The answer I received was in verse 3: dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. The time for what I desired had not yet come. I was given other instructions.

So I have been doing my best to dwell and cultivate, follow and trust. And the more I do, the more I notice my heart begin to transform. I begin to find joy in other places. I begin to desire other things.

Because my heart is aligning with the Lord's.

Heart, a photo challenge

Paper Mama's challenge this week is to capture with my camera what is on my heart.

Over the past 10 months, one verse has been closer to my heart than any other: Proverbs 22:6. Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

What a wonderful promise from my Lord! I am learning day by day that I cannot control what happens to my chld. I can try to protect him, I can do my best to shield him from pain and disappointment and all the evil the world throws at him, but in the end, I am powerless.

For a control freak like me, that is disturbing news. So I cling to Proverbs 22:6. Train up a child in the way he should go -- teach him the ways of the Lord -- and when he is old he will not depart from it. When he is grown and away  from my influence, the Lord's guidance and word will stay with him.

So I devote endless hours in prayer for my son and his future. I teach him songs about the Lord and his faithfulness. I read his Bible to him. And as he grows older, I will continue to teach him the ways of the Lord. And I begin to realize that is the greatest role of motherhood.

I have no power, but I serve the one who has all the power. And in the end, I know the control is in the right hands.