Real

I recently read a quote by Beth Moore that punched me in the gut. I was left sitting alone, with the breath literally sucked out of me.

What if we started to be who we seem to be?

It struck a nerve somewhere. I guess that's what I'm dealing with right now: learning how to be completely genuine. When I started this blog, I made the decision that it would only be a place for the positive. There'd be no room for complaining or thoughts that made anyone uncomfortable or feel anything but uplifted.

But that's not real. And by sharing only the pretty, shiney things, I wouldn't be real, either. This blog sometimes gets hard now because, unlike in the beginning, I know that people who I love and who love me read (Hi Mom; hi Travis). And what I say here is heard and taken to heart.

So I guess I need you to know that I am in a good place; there's no need to worry. But I am going to be real.

What if we started to be who we seem to be?

Before I became a mom, I wouldn't leave the house without putting on makeup and making sure my hair was clean and styled. I never performed morning errands with my husband because by the time I was ready to leave the house, it was no longer morning.

When Cohen was born, slowly but steadily, the need to look presentable in public has disappeared. These days, it's not uncommon for me to spend the whole day in public with no makeup and my hair pulled back in a ponytail, under a hat. I've even found myself stopped in the middle of the cereal aisle flicking off pieces of chewed up pancake from my pants. Disgusting, I know, but there's just more important things going on now without me worrying about how strangers perceive me.

It makes me think about how we, as people, put on our best faces when we're around others. We only show our best side, sometimes at the expense of actually sharing with others who we truly are. I am pretty good at that -- at putting on a nice face. But it's not real, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm going for real here.

So here's the real:

I deal with guilt about things I can't change. I am capable of holding huge, disgusting grudges. I close myself off from people I feel I can't trust. When I don't know how to deal with a situation, my first response is to ignore it and hope it goes away. I get angry when things don't go my way. I never feel like I'm good enough. I have deliberately hurt people before. I am hurt that some people who've seen the real me no longer like me. I find worth in the approval from others.

I enjoy and appreciate humor. I like sarcasm. I gravitate towards positive people. I don't participate in gossip. I value time spent with loved ones. I cherish time to myself. I pray and believe that God hears me. I want more than anything to please the Lord. I am empathetic towards people who are hurting, and I want to help them. I am loyal.

And I am learning day by day that the only one who will ever love me fully and accept me completely is God. Even that not-so-pretty stuff? Yeah, He knows about it, and it doesn't change how He loves me. And I'm beginning to accept that the only place I'll reach perfection is Heaven. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to attempt betterment, but that saying fake it till you make it? I'm not so sure I'm feeling that tonight.